


Date Finder

by iasipspec



Series: IASIPspec [5]
Category: It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia
Genre: Bisexual Dee Reynolds, Bisexuality, Coming Out, F/M, Online Dating, Other, Post-Season 12, Screenplay/Script Format
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-04-21
Updated: 2017-04-21
Packaged: 2018-10-22 08:34:47
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,621
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10693362
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/iasipspec/pseuds/iasipspec
Summary: When Dee comes out as bisexual, accusations of 'copying' lead her to download a dating app and attempt to find a girlfriend in order to prove her attraction to women to the gang. Charlie and Charlotte try to help. Meanwhile, Dennis tries to use the same dating app to try to get Mac into casual sex.[ IASIPspec. Season 13, episode four. ]





	Date Finder

**Author's Note:**

> Episode four up and running! As always, thanks to those leaving kudos on these scripts, it really means a lot to us. For those unaware, Charlotte is Charlie's half-sister who's been taking up residence in Paddy's Pub as of our season 13. She's amazing and we love her. 
> 
> Any questions can be directed to our tumblr at iasipspec.tumblr.com! Besides all that, enjoy!

**SEASON 13, EPISODE 4**

**WRITTEN BY TAYLOR**

 

**SCENE 1:**

**TITLES**

 

**“12:34 PM**

**ON A TUESDAY**

**PHILADELPHIA, PA”**

 

**Over titles, sounds are heard: Voices mumbling to one another, and the sound of chairs and stools being dragged across the floor.**

 

**DEE**

Alright, alright! Jesus, can you boners quiet down for two seconds?

 

**DENNIS**

I’m still not sure why you needed to corral us all into one little area, I’m supposed to be on my lunch break right now.

 

**DEE**

Listen, okay, I have a very important announcement to make.

 

**CUT TO:**

**INT: PADDY’S PUB, MAIN AREA - DAY**

 

**DEE is steeling herself like she’s about to deliver the Gettysburg Address to a group of passionate Civil War-era soldiers, but the rest of the gang looks like they want to be anywhere but there. DEE smooths out the front of her shirt a few times, maybe fixes her hair.**

 

**FRANK**

Oh, stop preening and say what you gotta say!

 

**DEE**

Fine. 

 

**She clears her throat and begins to recite. She talks as if she’s been practicing this in front of a mirror - which she has.**

  
  


**DEE (CONT.)**

So. As of last year, Mac is out of the closet, openly and proudly a gay man.

 

**MAC pumps his fist in the air, the rest of the gang congratulating him with loud “Yeah!”s, pats on the back and hi-fives.**

 

**DEE (CONT.)** **  
** **(Interrupting them)**

Hey! Does anyone wanna listen to what I have to say?

 

**MAC**

Not particularly.

 

**DEE**

I didn’t ask you, dickless. I was talking in the hypothetical.

 

**DENNIS**

**(Whistles low, pretending to be impressed)**

Wow, look who knows her SAT words!

 

**DEE**

**(Finally frustrated enough to get into Angry Bird Mode)**

God dammit! You assholes don’t listen to me, so screw the speech, I’m just gonna say it - I’m bisexual!

 

**Everyone is silent for a few moments, as if processing what she just said. They all sort of exchange Looks, and for a moment it looks as though they might finally see the error of their ways, maybe treat DEE like a fucking person for once.**

 

**Alas, status quo is God.**

 

**MAC**

I cannot believe you!

 

**DEE**

**(Shocked)**

_ What? _

  
  
  
  


**MAC**

What a bullshit move! I come out of the closet, and two months later you decide, “Oh I guess I’ll just go full carpet muncher, ‘cause why the hell not?” Way to steal my thunder, copycat.

 

**DEE**

For the record, I did not just decide one day that I was gonna like girls, you shithead! For your information, I’ve been soul-searching and thinking about my interpersonal relationships to my previous boyfriends for  _ months _ now, and -

 

**MAC**

Oh, sure, right after I come out, right? Guess the gang’s just full of the gays now, huh?

 

**DEE**

What, do you not believe me or something?

 

**MAC**

Oh, far from it. I believe you. I’m just saying your timing is extremely suspicious.

 

**DEE looks to the rest of the gang in turn. Reactions range from confusion (CHARLIE), to eye-rolling (DENNIS and FRANK), to CHARLOTTE’S feeble attempts at giving her a quiet thumbs up. DEE is frustrated, bordering on enraged at the reaction to what she thought was a heartwarming confession, deep from the soul. She huffs and storms off, more angry than sad. CHARLOTTE follows close behind.**

 

**CUT TO: TITLE, THEME**

 

**SCENE 2** **  
** **INT: PADDY’S PUB, BUSINESS OFFICE - DAY**

  
  


**DEE and CHARLOTTE are sitting at the table in the office, away from the others. DEE is clearly extremely upset, although like before it registers as less ‘upset’ and more ‘angry’ and ‘belligerent’. CHARLOTTE is doing her best to comfort her.**

  
  
  


**DEE**

I mean, can you believe those losers? When Mac came out everyone was happy as clams, but when I decide to come out everyone accuses me of copying him! 

 

**CHARLOTTE**

Hey, try not to get too caught up in what other people think about the fact that you came out. Some people take a while to accept the fact that someone they know is gay.

 

**DEE**

You just don’t get it ‘cause you’re the newbie. Those losers have always been harshing my vibe from day one. I gotta prove my sapphic credentials to them.

 

**CHARLOTTE**

**(Confused)**

I don’t think you need to prove anything to them? Like I said who cares what they think about you? You’re bisexual! That should be enough for you!

 

**DEE looks at CHARLOTTE like she’s from another world.**

 

**DEE**

If I can’t get validation from the others, who the hell am I gonna get it from?

 

**CHARLOTTE**

Yourself?

 

**DEE laughs out loud for a few moments and then slowly stops when she realizes…**

 

**DEE**

Oh my God, you’re serious?

 

**CHARLOTTE**

Dude, you can’t just keep on relying on them to validate you, especially when they keep treating you like shit. You’ve gotta learn to manufacture your own self-esteem. You’re not gonna be truly happy until you do

  
  


**DEE**

Oh. I think I get it now.

 

**CHARLOTTE**

See, was that hard?

 

**DEE**

If I just amp up my gay game, then they’ll be forced to acknowledge me!

 

**CHARLOTTE**

**(Grimacing)**

That’s… not what I meant.

 

**DEE**

**(Barely hearing her)**

All I have to do is go on a date with a girl, make a big deal about it on Facebook, and they’ll have to validate my sexual identity! Wow, Charlotte, you’re a genius!

 

**And with single minded determination, DEE heads out of the room. CHARLOTTE is left sitting there with her lips pursed, wondering where in the hell she managed to go wrong with that one.**

 

**SCENE 3:**

**INT: MAC AND DENNIS’ APARTMENT - DAY**

 

**MAC and DENNIS are sitting together on the couch, watching television with a bowl of popcorn between them. MAC reaches forward and uses the remote to pause the TV.**

 

**DENNIS**

What gives, man? We’ve been meaning to watch this for weeks.

 

**MAC**

Yeah, Dennis, just because they put the new season of South Park on Hulu doesn’t mean you haven’t seen every episode already.

 

**DENNIS** **  
** **(Defensive)**

Well, rewatching gives me a chance to appreciate the sharp satire.

 

**DENNIS presses play. An obnoxious fart noise plays.**

 

**MAC looks at DENNIS with his eyebrows raised.**

 

**DENNIS**

Not one word. But what’s the deal? You usually love South Park.

 

**MAC**

**(Sighing)**

I don’t know, I’m just bored lately. I feel like I’m stuck in a rut, you know? I mean, I just feel like I never do anything new.

 

**DENNIS**

That’s because you don’t.

 

**MAC**

Yeah, but I really  _ want _ to.

 

**DENNIS**

So let’s go do something.

 

**MAC**

I mean… no offense, buddy, but you’re one of the things that’s always the same. We’re always watching some dumb TV show, or getting into shit… I wanna do something really different! I mean, you do stuff. What do you do?

 

**DENNIS**

That’s really general. I do a lot, I’m a jack of all trades.

 

**MAC**

I mean what do you do without me?

 

**DENNIS**

Not much. Uh. Well, I… 

 

**DENNIS struggles to come up with something that he does independently of MAC. After a moment, he concludes.**

 

**DENNIS**

I pick up women without you.

 

**MAC**

Uh. Well…

 

**DENNIS**

Or I guess for you it’d be guys. Where does one meet guys if one is already, in fact, a guy?

 

**MAC**

The Rainbow?

 

**DENNIS**

At two in the afternoon?

 

**MAC**

Yeah, you’re right.

 

**DENNIS**

What else is there? I mean, it’s kinda hard to just pick up another guy willy-nilly, even if you’re built like I am, which is of course to say magnificently.

 

**MAC**

Best option would probably one of those dating apps.

 

**DENNIS**

What, like Date Finder? I’ve used that a few times. The chicks on there are usually ugly as shit, though.

 

**MAC**

Why do you figure that is?

 

**DENNIS**

Well obviously they don’t get enough attention from guys in real life so they gotta resort to the internet to get some dick

 

**MAC pulls out his phone.**

 

**MAC**

Alright, it’s downloading now. But I’ve never done this before, so you gotta give me tips. I mean, what works on girls probably works on guys too, right?

 

**DENNIS**

Well, not exactly. See, guys are just naturally smarter than women are, so posting a photoshopped picture of yourself on that app isn’t gonna make any guy wanna bang you. You understand, a woman is easily fooled by some image trickery.

 

**MAC**

I think I’m starting to get this. So I just gotta be the real me.

 

**DENNIS**

Oh my god, dude, of course not, what are you crazy? You just gottta figure out less obvious ways to lie to them. Maybe exaggerate the amount of money you make or something like that.

 

**MAC**

Then what?

 

**DENNIS**

Well duh, you get ‘em out on a date and you bang ‘em. D.E.N.N.I.S. method optional.

 

**MAC**

**(Cracking his knuckles)**

Alright. I can do this.

 

**DENNIS claps him on the shoulder like a true bro helping his bro bag a hot guy.**

 

**DENNIS**

**(Way too seriously)**

You got this. I believe in you.

 

**SCENE 3:**

**INT: DEE’S APARTMENT - DAY**

 

**After a quick cut, we see DEE and CHARLOTTE sitting together on her bed. DEE is hunched over her phone.**

 

**DEE**

Do you really believe in me, Charlotte? I don’t know if I can just put myself out there like this.

 

**CHARLOTTE**

I don’t know if you really have to get a Date Finder account less than three hours after you come out of the closet, but I mean, if that’s what you’re feeling, yeah, I believe in you.

**DEE**

Hey, Charlie.

 

**DEE kicks CHARLIE with her foot. CHARLIE is sitting on the floor next to the bed, examining a can of hairspray.**

 

**DEE (CONT.)**

Quit trying to huff my hairspray and help me out here. 

 

**CHARLIE**

How am I supposed to help?

 

**DEE**

Help me and Charlotte make a profile for me on Date Finder, I’m trying to find a girlfriend to prove to Mac and Dennis that I like girls.

 

**CHARLIE**

**(Distracted by the hairspray)**

I still wanna sniff it.

 

**DEE leans down and grabs the haispray out of CHARLIE’S hands. He looks sad at losing his bottle, but the result of having him pay more attention to DEE and CHARLOTTE was achieved.**

 

**DEE**

So which picture should I use for my profile?

 

**She proceeds to show him and CHARLOTTE a picture on her phone, a too professional-looking photo of her smiling placidly.**

 

**CHARLOTTE**

Maybe it’s just me, but I don’t think you should just use your headshot for your dating profile.

 

**DEE**

Why not? It’s professional. And I think I look good in it.

 

**CHARLOTTE**

Yeah, but people don’t wanna click on someone who has a professional photo as their avatar, it makes you look… weird.

  
  


**CHARLIE**

Yeah man, it makes you look like some kinda weirdo!

 

**DEE**

**(Getting defensive)**

Are you saying this picture makes me look weird?

 

**CHARLOTTE**

**(Backpedaling - uh oh!)**

No, of course not?

 

**CHARLIE**

When did we say that?

 

**DEE**

Just now.

 

**CHARLIE**

Well I didn’t say that, did you say that, Charlotte?

 

**CHARLOTTE**

No!

 

**CHARLIE**

See?

 

**CHARLOTTE**

What we meant to say was that when you put a professional photo as your headshot, you make people think you’re no fun! And you want people to think you’re cool and relaxed. Look, go into your Facebook and find a selfie or something.

 

**DEE barely believes them, but flicks though her Facebook backlog for a selfie she can use in her profile. CHARLOTTE and CHARLIE look at one another, relieved:** **_We dodged a bullet there, didn’t we?_ **

 

**DEE**

**(Holding out her phone)**

What about --

 

**SCENE 4:**

**INT: MAC AND DENNIS’ APARTMENT - DAY**

 

**An abrupt smash cut to MAC and DENNIS sitting on the couch in the living room, MAC is holding his phone up to DENNIS scrutinizing gaze. MAC finishes DEE’S sentence with -**

 

**MAC**

\-- this one?

 

**DENNIS is shaking his head, somewhat frustrated. It’s clear that these two have been at much the same game as the other two have been, making MAC a profile and such.**

 

**DENNIS**

You got one that shows off your guns?

 

**MAC**

We could take one right now.

 

**DENNIS**

What, a selfie?

 

**MAC**

No, you take one of me. I mean, if you want to.

 

**DENNIS**

Why not?

 

**Almost too quickly, MAC practically rips his shirt off over his head. If DENNIS is weirded out, he doesn’t say anything. He suggested this whole thing, after all. MAC gives his phone to DENNIS, and then pulls some ridiculous super-macho pose.**

 

**DENNIS**

No.

 

**MAC**

**(Offended)**

What, am I not bulked enough? Here, lemme flex harder.

 

**DENNIS**

Dude, dude, no. This is weird.

 

**MAC**

Flexing your guns to attract a man is weird? Dude, that's just how God made me.

 

**DENNIS**

No! It’s just super weird, a picture of you flexing by yourself in your living room. It’s gonna make people think you have no friends, like you spend all your time by yourself.

 

**MAC**

So what, no flex?

 

**DENNIS**

You’re still gonna flex, don’t worry about that. But I gotta be in the picture with you.

 

**MAC**

**(Clearly confused)**

What? Why?

 

**DENNIS**

See, if I’m in the picture with you then your potential date knows you’ve got friends. It’s all very simple, Mac.

 

**MAC is confused, but goes along with it. He’s right back to confused, however, when DENNIS yanks his shirt over his head.**

 

**MAC**

I hope you've got a reason for that too. 

 

**DENNIS**

Well if you're the only one shirtless it'll raise questions. 

 

**MAC**

I think you just wanted to take your shirt off, dude.

 

**DENNIS**

I mean, can you blame me? If you had my physique you'd want to put it on display too, man. 

 

**DENNIS tosses his shirt to the side. MAC tries not to stare.**

 

**DENNIS (CONT.)**

Alright, we doing this?

 

**MAC**

**(Scrambling for words)**

Sure?

 

**DENNIS walks up to MAC, opens up the camera on the phone he’s holding, and proceeds to take some selfies. MAC does some ridiculous muscle poses, DENNIS doing that weird eye-squint / lip-pucker thing that dudes do when they’re trying to be sexy. On a pair of weird 41 year old men, the maneuvers are less than effective.**

 

**DENNIS steps back and starts looking at the selfies they’ve taken. MAC looks too.**

 

**DENNIS**

Mac, I have to say, these pictures are just about… 

 

**SCENE 5:**

**INT: DEE’S APARTMENT - DAY**

 

**Another quick cut to DEE, CHARLOTTE, and CHARLIE, this time sitting on the couch in front of the TV. DEE is in the middle, CHARLOTTE and CHARLIE on either side of her, and there’s a bowl of popcorn in DEE’S lap. DEE is still staring at her phone. CHARLOTTE is staring at hers.**

 

**DEE**

\- Perfect! Just perfect. Nobody’s swiping on me!

 

**CHARLOTTE**

It’s not gonna happen right away. Give it time, man.

 

**DEE**

I can’t give it time! I need a date with a girl, like, today!

 

**CHARLIE**

Dee, maybe cool it. No one likes desperation.

**He looks over at CHARLOTTE**

Who are you texting?

 

**CHARLOTTE**

**(Glancing up from her own phone)**

Me? Oh, nobody important.

 

**CHARLIE leans over DEE to look at CHARLOTTE’S phone, almost knocking over the bowl of popcorn in the process.**

 

**CHARLIE**

Holy shit, is that Dennis’ lesbian girlfriend?

 

**DEE looks offended. CHARLOTTE looks bashful.**

 

**CHARLOTTE**

… Maybe?

 

**CHARLIE**

You and her? Like… talking?

 

**CHARLOTTE**

I mean yeah! She’s really pretty, and she’s interested in me! Why shouldn’t I? ‘Cause Dennis hired her to pretend to be his girlfriend? And for your information, she has a name.

 

**DEE**

I cannot believe you got a lesbian date before I did!

 

**CHARLOTTE**

You’ve had this app for three hours!

 

**DEE**

It’s just not fair! How am I gonna prove to Mac that I’m bi if no girls wanna talk to me? I don’t even -

 

**A buzz. Everyone looks to DEE’S phone. Her eyes light up.**

 

**DEE (CONT.)**

Someone matched with me!

 

**CHARLOTTE**

What’d they say?

 

**DEE**

**(Reading off of her phone)**

“Hey baby. Love a girl with blue eyes. Wink face.” The hell does that mean?

 

**CHARLIE**

Wow, Dee, someone wants to bang you!

 

**DEE**

Woah woah, let’s not get overhyped here.

 

**CHARLOTTE**

I think the wink face does all of the hyping for us. Nobody texts someone a wink unless they’re down for doin’ it.

 

**DEE gives CHARLOTTE a weird look.**

 

**DEE**

I want you to promise me you’re never gonna refer to sex as “doin’ it” ever again.

 

**CHARLOTTE**

**(Nodding)**

Yeah that wasn’t good.

 

**CHARLIE**

What’s her name?

 

**DEE**

It’s Emily. Oh, that’s a great name. Cute name. Like her. She’s cute.

 

**CHARLIE**

Well what are you gonna text this woman back?

 

**DEE**

How about if I just say…

 

**SCENE 6:**

**INT: PADDY’S PUB - DAY**

 

**Cut to FRANK, DENNIS, and MAC standing around the bar. MAC is intensely focused on his phone. DENNIS looks annoyed. FRANK is speaking animatedly.**

 

**FRANK**

“Excuse me, my fine sir, but I would very much enjoy havin’ you put your dick inside of me!” That should get any gay goin’, right? They love havin’ their dicks in dudes!

 

**MAC**

Well, obviously that wouldn’t work.

 

**FRANK**

**(Offended)**

Why not?

 

**MAC**

‘Cause nobody’s dick is going inside of me, obviously, because I’m a top?

 

**DENNIS starts snickering.**

 

**FRANK**

Well then flip it and say, “Excuse me, my fine sir, but I would very much enjoy if you let me put my dick inside of you!”

 

**MAC**

You just don’t understand the complexities of a gay lifestyle, Frank.

 

**FRANK**

You’re the one who showed up here asking for my advice on sex and love!

 

**DENNIS**

Nobody asked for your advice, Frank, we came here for more beer because we’re out at the apartment, and now we’re too comfortable to leave.

 

**MAC**

Holy shit, guys look who it is!

 

**DENNIS**

Who?

 

**MAC**

Rex! He has a Date Finder profile, what’s the chances of that happening?

 

**FRANK**

Well? You gonna swipe right on that prime hunk of beef?

 

**DENNIS stares at FRANK.**

 

**FRANK**

What? I can appreciate a good-lookin’ man when he’s presented to me, and that Rex? One good-lookin’ man.

 

**MAC**

Dennis, do I swipe?

 

**DENNIS**

Of course not!

 

**MAC**

Dude!

 

**DENNIS**

Mac, you are not on this app to find love. You are on this app for meaningless gay sex, and as your best friend I refuse to let you make this mistake.

 

**MAC**

**(Pauses for a moment, but then…)**

I’m swiping. Fuck it.

 

**He swipes. DENNIS is horrified. FRANK is cheering.**

 

**FRANK**

Yeah! You know I never would’ve forgiven you if you hadn’t let that man into your life.

 

**DENNIS**

Why are you encouraging him? Don’t encourage him! This was supposed to be an unemotional event, and now he’s gonna be chatting it up with some guy he has a crush on!

 

**FRANK**

Maybe unemotional fuckin’ ain’t for him!

 

**MAC**

**(Grinning)**

He sent me a message!

 

**DENNIS**

That’s a goddamn joke, Frank, unemotional fucking is for everyone, everywhere! Who doesn’t love a good one night stand to distract you from your problems?

 

**MAC**

He messaged me! Said, “Didn’t expect to see you on this app, wink face.” Wink faces are good, right? That’s interest?

 

**DENNIS**

Mac, when you catch feelings for this ‘Rex’ and you can’t deal with their overwhelming magnitude crushing your soul, don’t come crying my way. 

 

**MAC**

He sent a heart!

 

**FRANK is grinning. DENNIS is sighing.**

 

**SCENE 7:**

**INT: DEE’S APARTMENT - NIGHT**

 

**DEE is standing in front of a mirror, wearing a little black dress and putting the finishing touches on her makeup. CHARLOTTE is sitting on her bed, and CHARLIE is on the floor next to the bed.**

 

**DEE**

Does this look okay? Does my hair look good? I don’t have like, anything in my teeth, do I?

 

**CHARLOTTE**

So wait, let me get this straight. You two have been talking for less than a day and she wants to meet you… where?

 

**DEE**

That gross gin bar that we went to that one time! Well, you didn’t go, but Charlie went.

 

**CHARLIE**

**(Raising his pointed finger)**

Confirmed.

 

**DEE**

So she’s classy! I just hope nobody shushes us when we’re there. It’d suck to get shushed on a date.

 

**CHARLOTTE**

I’m sorry Dee, but this all seems super suspicious. Have you thought maybe things are moving kind of fast?

 

**DEE**

Why would they be moving fast? This is what I want, isn’t it? I didn’t want to actually date this girl at first, but I’m starting to get down with this. I mean look at her!

 

**DEE tosses her phone at CHARLOTTE. On the screen is a Date Finder profile with a picture of a very attractive woman.**

 

**CHARLOTTE**

Her face looks really familiar…

 

**DEE**

**(Turning around)**

Well? Do I look okay?

 

**CHARLIE**

You look tall.

 

**DEE**

That’s not what I asked?

 

**CHARLOTTE**

You look great, Dee. Are you sure you don’t want me to like, lurk around the gin bar for a while, just so you know this lady is legit?

 

**DEE**

Come on, Charlotte, you watch too much Catfish. I’m going on a date! It’ll be fun! Don’t wait up for me!

 

**And with that, Deandra Reynolds has left the building. Board’s out on why she’s letting the Charlies stay in her apartment, but it’s probably a mi casa es su casa thing going on. God knows it wouldn’t be the weirdest thing she’s done.**

 

**CHARLOTTE leans over the end of the bed and pulls out her phone.**

 

**CHARLOTTE**

I’m reverse image searching the profile picture that chick had up.

 

**CHARLIE**

Why?

 

**CHARLOTTE**

Uh, ‘cause who the hell asks someone out to a fancy ass gin bar on the same day they start talking to them on some dating app? Suspicious. 

 

**CHARLIE**

That’s not… I mean, that’s not enough to base suspicion off of, man.

 

**CHARLOTTE**

Also, her profile picture looked  _ so _ familiar. I can’t place where I know that face from, so I’m thinking this ‘Emily’ stole her picture from somewhere on the internet.

  
  


**CHARLOTTE clicks some stuff on her phone, CHARLIE watches, fascinated.**

 

**CHARLIE**

You really do watch too much Catfish. I mean, who except you would think a fish is tricking Dee into dating them?

 

**CHARLOTTE**

**(Glancing up from her phone)**

That’s not what Catfishing someone is… I mean, well… Look! Search results loaded. And check it out! Exactly what I thought! This ‘Emily’ stole their pictures from this model on Instagram.

 

**CHARLIE**

Well we’ve gotta warn Dee she’s being tricked!

 

**CHARLOTTE**

She said she was going to that gin bar, right? You know where it is?

 

**CHARLIE**

I mean, yeah, I know, but… you’re not suggesting we go and…?

 

**CHARLOTTE**

That’s exactly what I’m suggesting. Let’s go.

 

**SCENE 8:**

**EXT: GIN BAR - NIGHT**

 

**DEE is waiting outside the bar for her date. She glances around, nervous. What if this wasn’t the right gin bar? What if Emily didn’t show?**

 

**Finally, someone taps her on the shoulder. She turns around, a smile lighting up her face, before she realizes…**

 

**DEE**

Cricket?

 

**CRICKET**

Dee!

 

**DEE**

Listen, whatever you’re gonna ask me for, I’m not into it and I won’t do it. I’ve got a date coming by tonight, and I need to look good for her, which means no gross homeless dudes hanging around me.

 

**CRICKET**

Don’t you get it?

 

**DEE**

Get what?

 

**CRICKET**

I’m Emily!

 

**DEE’S eyes widen. She is horrified. She takes a step back.**

 

**DEE**

_ Ew! _

 

**CRICKET**

It’s not what it sounds like!

 

**DEE**

I mean, what it sounds like is that you pretend to be a woman on the internet for fun, Cricket!

 

**CRICKET**

Okay, well,  _ that _ part is what it sounds like, but…

 

**DEE**

And since when do you have a phone? I thought you were broke as shit. 

 

**CRICKET**

Well for your information, I stole my phone out of a dumpster two weeks ago!

 

**DEE**

So why did you message me! I thought you were “over me”!

 

**CRICKET**

I am over you! But now you know!

 

**DEE**

I’m not getting this.

 

**CRICKET**

I saw your profile, and I knew what I had to do. Now you know what it’s like to get your hopes up about a beautiful woman and then have your feelings ripped in two! Don’t you understand, Dee? I broke your heart! Now I can finally live my life in peace knowing that you, like me, have experienced the loss of true love!

 

**DEE**

Cricket… that is diabolical and heartless, and normally I’d be, like, all over that, but the mental image of you pretending to be a woman on the internet is still haunting my brain. So whatever, you broke my heart or some junk, can you leave now?

 

**CRICKET**

But… aren’t you going to cry?

 

**DEE**

**(Flatly)**

Boo-hoo.

 

**CRICKET**

I try so hard for you, and this is what I get in return? Just like always!

 

**He storms away angrily. DEE rolls her eyes and sits down on a bench outside of the gin bar. Suddenly, CHARLOTTE and CHARLIE come racing around the corner, shouting wildly and waving their arms.**

 

**CHARLOTTE**

Dee, it’s a trap!

 

**CHARLIE**

The fish are trying to trick you on the internet, Dee!

 

**When they finally get up to her, they’re surprised to see her calm. She glances up at them.**

 

**DEE**

It was Cricket. He was pretending to be a woman to teach me a lesson about heartbreak or some shit.

 

**CHARLOTTE**

Am I supposed to know who that is?

 

**DEE**

Be happy you don’t know him. So! Emily is a fake person, and I’m gonna die alone because I can’t flaunt my ability to bag a woman in front of my brother and Mac.

 

**CHARLIE**

Dee, you’re not gonna die alone.

 

**DEE**

I mean, you don’t know that.

 

**CHARLIE**

Well, no, but you don’t know that you will either. The future is terrifying, but it’s far enough away that speculating about it is useless.

 

**DEE**

But how am I gonna be able to get validation if I can’t flaunt a hot girl in front of people?

 

**CHARLIE**

You don’t- You don’t need to flaunt a hot girl to prove you like them. I mean, who doesn’t like girls? I like girls. They’re pretty and they smell nice, but I don’t go around all like  _ I Love Girls! They’re So Hot! _ Cause I know I like ‘em. And everybody likes them, so it’s too much. And you can do that, or you can not do that, it doesn’t matter. But the important thing is to remind people that you like cats, ‘cause some people don’t like those, so that’s something that needs reminding.

 

**DEE**

**(Smiling at him fondly)**

Charlie, that was adorable, but that didn’t make any goddamn sense whatsoever. 

 

**CHARLIE**

But did it help?

 

**DEE**

Yeah, it helped.

 

**CHARLIE sits on the bench next to DEE. CHARLOTTE smiles.**

 

**CHARLOTTE**

I think I’m gonna go back to my place now. It’s been a long day. I’m tired as shit. You two, uh… have fun, alright?

 

**She leaves. CHARLIE leans his head on DEE’S shoulder. She leans right back. As cars whizz by and people pass them, time almost seems to stop entirely. It’s a rare wholesome moment.**

 

**CHARLIE**

I don’t think you need an app to find a date.

 

**DEE**

Yeah, I think I’m gonna delete it. Can’t be too careful. I think I’m gonna stick to dating people I meet in real life from now on.

 

**CHARLIE**

Got anyone in mind?

 

**DEE**

Just one.

 

**CHARLIE**

Oh yeah? Tell me.

 

**DEE**

Well he’s cute, and he works with me. He’s a friend of mine, but I dunno if he’d be interested.

 

**CHARLIE**

Dude, Mac’s gay, of course he’s not interested in you.

 

**DEE**

I was talking about you, Charlie.

 

**CHARLIE**

Oh… I knew that.

 

**The look at one another for a moment before leaning forward and kissing. They pull back, laugh for a moment, and then kiss again.**

  
**THE END**


End file.
